Not Good...

For some reason, I awoke this morning sadder than I have in months. Yes, months.
Including the day Lily got diagnosed.
Why today? I have no idea.
None.
Last night, a dog vs. dog fight was brewing. On the master bed.
I usually sleep on the right side of the bed (when looking at it from the footboard) and Lily slept on the left.

Out of habit (and I think to maintain some sort of sameness) I still sleep on the right.
When Lily started calling in "sick" a lot, she anecdotally told me that she did NOT sleep on her side of the bed while sick.
Instead, she slept right in the middle. 6 o'clock to 12 o'clock. She said it was so much easier.
I didn't pause on it at the time, as there were bigger things occupying my mind.
But last night, like an iron skillet, banged over my head, I thought of Lily's advice.
I maneuvered the two growling-55 lbs- Bullies and did just that.
I scooted myself over to the middle, and positioned each dog with one on my right, other on my left.
They were flanking me.
An lo' and behold, it worked! I couldn't believe it. They nestled up against each of my legs and were snoring (not growling) in just a few minutes. They needed to be touched. English Bulldogs have always been a "pack" dog but since I didn't really see how that trait applied in the real world, I didn't pay much attention to it.

Until last night.

I drifted off to sleep thinking of Lily in this position for weeks at a time. It broke my heart.
As it is now. Which brings me back to feeling sadder than ever.

I wish there was a magic pill I could take that would selectively erase memories. Because as these ones hit me, I cannot only not work but I cannot even function.

I've got to clean up the house, get some groceries, etc., etc. etc., and I'm still in my "jammies" as Lily would say.
Why is today so much harder than the rest?
I am desperately indexing my memory for a trigger that must have taken place earlier but I cannot find one.
The saddest part is that I don't think there is one.
I often think to a quote when I get this down: "Dying is easy, it's living that's hard".

I am going to a support grief support group - mainly spouses who have lost their "other", on Monday. It's being held in a church but I'll go with it.

I am looking forward to it but, to be honest, I am scared. Very scared.

Of what? Not being able to keep it together, mostly.  Embarrassing myself to strangers in my community.  It's being held only a mile or so away.

No pain, no gain, right?