1:22 am nightmare....

The nightmare begins:

Lily and I are on vacation.

We are in a hotel room. (A beach hotel, which Lily thinks are a waste of money - good Lily, think).

So, I know something is off as to why we are here. A beach hotel? I don't remember booking this?

But I don't think it's a dream.

I was laying on my side in the bed looking at Lily just was five feet away. She was standing and packing in the hallway.

But she wearing her hospital gown?

Now, I thought, am I awake? I'll test it I thought, I'll ask her a question to force her interact with her.

"Where are you going?" I asked.

No response.

"Where are you going?" I asked, a little louder.

Nothing.

The third time she turned around to face me. 

Looking at her, eye to eye, I knew that this was definitely post-cancer Lily. Dying Lily.

Her bald head, the bulging of her eyes from chemo/ weight loss. All of It.

"I'm going away," she happily said. With her innate cute smile.

My mood dropped.

She repeated it about three times, in sing-songy way, as a 4 year girl would do. "I'm going away, I'm going away, I'm going away," she went on and on.

Despite the over-the-top symbolism that I was being clubbed over the head with, I was unable to connect those huge dots together.

The feeling I had was not of her cancer, dying, loss, sadness, etc.

Instead, in the dream (or the nightmare, as I titled this) I just wanted to know one thing.

Where was she going?

And I never got an answer.