Debating worse case scenario

Back at the hospital again. Lily is in and out of consciousness, although they loaded her up with Xanax the second I got in. Lily was lucid for about 20 minutes and then fell asleep, predictably.

Lily's mom made an overt gesture to me to go outside as she wanted "to talk". She put so much weight on the request, I knew that this couldn't be good.

She was talking in "theory" about Lily's "End of Life" decision to have hospice at our house and not at her Mom's house.

I said whatever Lily wants is what Lily gets. I could feel the fight in her Mom's desire to overrule Lily's decision and have hospice at her home. But she didn't quite go there. Yet.

I'm sure this will come to a head soon.

What did surprise me was Lily's parents' fear that I'll "abandon" them - their word choice not mine-, once Lily is gone. And by fear, I mean full sobbing fear that I won't leave them. And I keep thinking, you're retired? We visit about once a month? I am not sure whatever life holds for me post-Lily will be, but what do they consider abandoning them?

Who knows? I'm trying to deal with my own pain. I'm not going to take on anything additional, at the moment. Especially, when I haven't done anything other than be a loving partner to their daughter l.

Back to Lily, she is supposed to get a doctor visit either tonight or tomorrow morning regarding her brain MRI. Nobody knows when. Even though the hospital staff has all of our cell numbers, Lily's mom refuses to leave the hospital, even though Lily is in a deep sleep.

And I don't blame her. The mother-daughter bond is either almost or actual biblical. So, mom will stand vigil from 8am until about midnight tonight. If a doctor does in fact visit, I'll be called by cell but more than likely, Lily will be told tomorrow morning.

And after talking to my boss, he nearly ordered me to take the day off tomorrow, to be there when the news is delivered, which I was going to ask him for anyway.

So, tomorrow we shall see. Lily and I did have a few chuckles before she passed out. I won't repeat them here as I'll break down again, as I did exiting the hospital just now.

Ever single conversation I have with Lily is so goddamn bittersweet, I can barely breathe getting into my car.