As I drove into work this morning, just to stare at my monitors for the next 8 hours, all that keeps running through my head is Lily saying multiple times last night how sorry she is for putting me through this. It's a very breathy apology and very quiet, which actually intensifies it, in some weird way. She truly thinks I am having to go through something worse than her. As she was sort of in my position when I was having my medical problems, she explained.
Of course, I protested and she easily agreed just to end the conversation.
So, I was thinking about her point commuting to work this morning. Do spouses or significant others who are watching their wife/husband/partners die - are actually suffering more than the dying spouse?
In my 55 minute commute, I. couldn't make a decision. I didn't want to tell myself the old worn cliche' "It's a case by case analysis" because it really is not. Lung cancer kills ~157K people each year, 55% men and 45% women.
So, there are likely a lot spouses/significant others out there going through what I am going through. Right now. Like today.
So, I am leaning, only slightly and by that I mean by a hair, towards Lily's opinion.
I feel selfish saying that but what struck me last night during that conversation, was that Lily was at peace when we discussed it. Granted our new "norm" is her still coughing and coughing and coughing trying to spit up tumor fragments, which she then inspects by closely looking at her phlegm in a Kleenex every time, but her disposition is much more centered than mine. By a lot.
It reminded me when I was in the pre-op room at the hospital having to wait for my brain surgery. Lily was at my side just outside of the O.R. and I could tell she had either just finished up crying or was about to. I placed my hand on top of hers, which was gripping the cold chrome guardrail around my gurney, and telling her "I'll see you in about 30 seconds".
She barely chuckled at the reference to the time lapse you don't feel once under a general anesthesia.
But I kept apologizing and felt so bad for making her so upset. Hmmm.
So, maybe I have made my decision, now that I re-read this.
Unfortunately, though, there will be no "guardrail" moment for us.
Of course, I protested and she easily agreed just to end the conversation.
So, I was thinking about her point commuting to work this morning. Do spouses or significant others who are watching their wife/husband/partners die - are actually suffering more than the dying spouse?
In my 55 minute commute, I. couldn't make a decision. I didn't want to tell myself the old worn cliche' "It's a case by case analysis" because it really is not. Lung cancer kills ~157K people each year, 55% men and 45% women.
So, there are likely a lot spouses/significant others out there going through what I am going through. Right now. Like today.
So, I am leaning, only slightly and by that I mean by a hair, towards Lily's opinion.
I feel selfish saying that but what struck me last night during that conversation, was that Lily was at peace when we discussed it. Granted our new "norm" is her still coughing and coughing and coughing trying to spit up tumor fragments, which she then inspects by closely looking at her phlegm in a Kleenex every time, but her disposition is much more centered than mine. By a lot.
It reminded me when I was in the pre-op room at the hospital having to wait for my brain surgery. Lily was at my side just outside of the O.R. and I could tell she had either just finished up crying or was about to. I placed my hand on top of hers, which was gripping the cold chrome guardrail around my gurney, and telling her "I'll see you in about 30 seconds".
She barely chuckled at the reference to the time lapse you don't feel once under a general anesthesia.
But I kept apologizing and felt so bad for making her so upset. Hmmm.
So, maybe I have made my decision, now that I re-read this.
Unfortunately, though, there will be no "guardrail" moment for us.
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