Up @ 2:02 am

I woke up because one of our dogs ( the older one) was clawing at my leg. To the point of pain on my leg. She does this when she wants back up on the bed. I looked over and found that Lily had left the bed after I fell asleep and the two dogs ALWAYS join her. The older one will often migrate back down to this bed and jump on an adjacent autumn to sort of ask permission to come up and join me (ie she can jump up on her own).

Of course, I let her up and she snuggled up right next to me (where Lily had been sleeping - probably because it was still warm from her body). Having to go take a piss now, I get up and walk towards my bed again and pause.

I just stand there looking at an empty bed with a dog in it and think: "Get used to this, buddy, you're going to be living alone like this a lot sooner than you ever planned". As I start to crumble at this thought, I decide to go to the kitchen and freshen my ice water.

I can't sleep. Besides there's an image in my head. Lily and I talked about death, again, shortly before she went to bed.

I asked her as she was involuntarily twitching and moaning (ie drifting off back to sleep) whether she still wanted "to fight this?" Lily, in a whispering voice, said "if I'm strong enough for chemo work again, yes, but if not, Yeah, I'll am done. And please don't hate me, honey, when that happens."

I could barely spit out the words "of course not" as she faded back to sleep.

My god, I know I keep saying it but this is the hardest fucking thing I've ever been through. Fuck walking like a cripple, fuck the searing white hot pain after my brain surgery, back surgery, confusion in my cognitive thinking, etc. This is it.

This moment. Tonight. Alone with my dog in this huge bed. It is the most pain I've ever felt.