I’m almost got into an car accident this morning. Down there (see pic). That’s the Harbor Freeway. The lanes closer to me are the n/b lanes (my lanes) and just out of frame, four lanes merge with three lanes, net resulting in five lanes.
This is the trickiest part of my drive. Anyway, with all of the merging, very frequently, two cars are trying to change into one lane that has an opening in between each car’s own lane.
Anyway, I’ve become pretty experienced (as we all have) at the feeling of the rythym of any LA freeway but others haven’t. An accident could’ve occurred but with a little skill on my part, it was avoided, with the exception of some angry honking by the other party and I imagine some yelling.
I did not have the feeling of “whew!” or “thank god!!” or even anger. I felt nothing. Like a flea landing on my shoulder. It was inconsequential. The biggest result would’ve produced an insurance claim. Just a claim.
Which is what ignited a fire yesterday that raged into the evening.
A completely unnecessary fire. I’ll describe the ashes:
1. Got voicemail from Lily’s oncologist on my cell at about 10am yesterday. Message stated her planned visit at 11:20 am same day was being cancelled because her insurance has denied further treatment of Lily’s illness and they needed a new/different insurance company to start billing.
2. A little worried and not wanting to burden Lily (which was a mistake in hindsight) I called Lily’s mom.
3. Lily’s mom went nuclear. Yelling and screaming and then sobbing uncontrollably. It was more hurtful to me than I could’ve imagined. I got looped into an being an object of her screaming. After, I found myself panting and walking in circles at being the recipient of this rage. Which was at everything. Including the world. And a brief stop at me.
4. I told her mom to call the oncologist back, which took about 20min with me almost yelling this instruction about two dozen times before it resonated as I could get louder than her.
5. 30 mins later from mom, saying she called as I suggested and it was a simple clerical.
6. Mom apologized more than a few times to me but it didn’t affect me. I blankly responded each attempt with a “No need” or “ok”.
Driving home last night I debated on whether or not to tell Lily about this event. I knew she would be more hurt if she ever found out and I had lied to her if her mother brought it up. And besides, my allegiance isn’t with mom. Hardly, in fact.
Okay, done with that.
Lily eventually saw her oncologist, albeit in the late afternoon. It was so late that she beat me home from my commute only by about 20 minuets. Which I took as a good thing as everything would be fresh in her head. Again, quick bullet points:
1) Lily will undergo the “lung scrub” of the tumor under a general anesthetic in the hospital on Monday.
2) It is supposed to be a “short” procedure (she couldn’t recall if she was advised what “short” meant). But it will be done on an outpatient basis.
3) Her chemo drugs have changed (why and to what are unknown). Takeaway point here is that they will NOT make her fail fall out. So her little stubble, that is present now, will continue to grow.
4) Chemo treatment will begin the day
following the surgery (Tuesday May 15). The numbers of treatments is in flux. They will be 21 or 22 days apart and I think they’ll review how many will be prescribed based on how she reacts to the first one.
5) I asked Lily if she is pessimistic or fearing the chemo as she had expressed earlier. Her answer: she’s not that hopeful as to how helpful the chemo may be but she is NOT fearful. Nothing could be as bad as the radiation was. And, by chance, she’s telling me, if it’s horrible as it was the first time, she will stop it and go into hospice care. At home.
Her oncologist, in fact, underscored this by stating that he has two priorities in term of Lily’s treatment: 1) Her comfort is #1. Period. 2) Extending her life as much he is able to is secondary. Period.
And that’s it.
With that in mind, her pain prescriptions have been increased significantly. Last night, she was downstairs when I came home which seems likes weeks ago that this has happened. And that SHE wanted to have a talk, with me. As you can imagine, it varied from some very routine topics but transitioned into some intense and bittersweet ones.
The next big day is Monday and then Tuesday.
So we’ll see what happens...
This is the trickiest part of my drive. Anyway, with all of the merging, very frequently, two cars are trying to change into one lane that has an opening in between each car’s own lane.
Anyway, I’ve become pretty experienced (as we all have) at the feeling of the rythym of any LA freeway but others haven’t. An accident could’ve occurred but with a little skill on my part, it was avoided, with the exception of some angry honking by the other party and I imagine some yelling.
I did not have the feeling of “whew!” or “thank god!!” or even anger. I felt nothing. Like a flea landing on my shoulder. It was inconsequential. The biggest result would’ve produced an insurance claim. Just a claim.
Which is what ignited a fire yesterday that raged into the evening.
A completely unnecessary fire. I’ll describe the ashes:
1. Got voicemail from Lily’s oncologist on my cell at about 10am yesterday. Message stated her planned visit at 11:20 am same day was being cancelled because her insurance has denied further treatment of Lily’s illness and they needed a new/different insurance company to start billing.
2. A little worried and not wanting to burden Lily (which was a mistake in hindsight) I called Lily’s mom.
3. Lily’s mom went nuclear. Yelling and screaming and then sobbing uncontrollably. It was more hurtful to me than I could’ve imagined. I got looped into an being an object of her screaming. After, I found myself panting and walking in circles at being the recipient of this rage. Which was at everything. Including the world. And a brief stop at me.
4. I told her mom to call the oncologist back, which took about 20min with me almost yelling this instruction about two dozen times before it resonated as I could get louder than her.
5. 30 mins later from mom, saying she called as I suggested and it was a simple clerical.
6. Mom apologized more than a few times to me but it didn’t affect me. I blankly responded each attempt with a “No need” or “ok”.
Driving home last night I debated on whether or not to tell Lily about this event. I knew she would be more hurt if she ever found out and I had lied to her if her mother brought it up. And besides, my allegiance isn’t with mom. Hardly, in fact.
Okay, done with that.
Lily eventually saw her oncologist, albeit in the late afternoon. It was so late that she beat me home from my commute only by about 20 minuets. Which I took as a good thing as everything would be fresh in her head. Again, quick bullet points:
1) Lily will undergo the “lung scrub” of the tumor under a general anesthetic in the hospital on Monday.
2) It is supposed to be a “short” procedure (she couldn’t recall if she was advised what “short” meant). But it will be done on an outpatient basis.
3) Her chemo drugs have changed (why and to what are unknown). Takeaway point here is that they will NOT make her fail fall out. So her little stubble, that is present now, will continue to grow.
4) Chemo treatment will begin the day
following the surgery (Tuesday May 15). The numbers of treatments is in flux. They will be 21 or 22 days apart and I think they’ll review how many will be prescribed based on how she reacts to the first one.
5) I asked Lily if she is pessimistic or fearing the chemo as she had expressed earlier. Her answer: she’s not that hopeful as to how helpful the chemo may be but she is NOT fearful. Nothing could be as bad as the radiation was. And, by chance, she’s telling me, if it’s horrible as it was the first time, she will stop it and go into hospice care. At home.
Her oncologist, in fact, underscored this by stating that he has two priorities in term of Lily’s treatment: 1) Her comfort is #1. Period. 2) Extending her life as much he is able to is secondary. Period.
And that’s it.
With that in mind, her pain prescriptions have been increased significantly. Last night, she was downstairs when I came home which seems likes weeks ago that this has happened. And that SHE wanted to have a talk, with me. As you can imagine, it varied from some very routine topics but transitioned into some intense and bittersweet ones.
The next big day is Monday and then Tuesday.
So we’ll see what happens...
I will continue to pray daily for you both.
ReplyDeleteThank you and I will let her know.
ReplyDelete